What if failure doesn’t have to hurt? We obviously can’t do anything about those occasions when we don’t do our absolute best, or when someone is disappointed with us no matter how well we have performed or what we have accomplished. But we have so much potential to change the way our brain is in relationship with failure.

Our brains and bodies learn from failure, and we should appreciate it for what it is: that First Attempt In Learning. I would like you to intentionally look at your relationship with failure—in fact, lean into it. What if when we “fail” we are simply learning to be stronger and wiser? What if failure is just a way for us to ensure that we are learning what we need to learn rather than having failure be a part of our core identity? 

Many of us carry tapes around with us in our brains from the past that replay harsh words and criticisms that have developed during our lives. Our minds press play on these tapes in difficult situations, like when we make a mistake or feel like we are not accomplishing the tasks we have set out for ourselves, or we are feeling demotivated. In those situations, these tapes can call us names we have heard over and over again throughout the course of our lives, such as “stupid” or lazy or “failure.”

These are automatic thoughts that roll over and over in our minds and Amy, the amygdalae of our brains, which is the hub of our primal survival mechanisms, encourages these thoughts for self-protection. In a way, our brains have learned from a very young age to “play small” in situations where we have made mistakes or otherwise let ourselves down. But playing small doesn’t work so well for us when we are trying to do big things in our lives. These tactics we have learned get in the way of what we strategically want to accomplish in our lives.

When you find yourself in these situations, I would like you to start paying attention to the thoughts you are having when you feel you’re not living up to the expectations of the tapes in your mind. Notice the distinction here: I said, “not living up to the expectations of the tapes.” These automatic thoughts in your mind don’t belong to you—they are something you’ve learned over the course of your life to help you avoid risk. But life is a risky proposition and taking risks can be fun and rewarding when we believe in ourselves and learn how to be courageous.

The opportunity in this is because they are tapes, we hold the power to push pause on them and evaluate whether these tapes from the past make sense and whether it is necessary for them to play a role in our current lives.

When things feel like they are going poorly and we feel like we’re screwing up, and making mistakes, welcoming in self-compassion and self-understanding can often feel downright impossible. Yet, this is critical for creating the space our brain needs to transition from guilt, shame and other amygdala-driven issues to feeling present in the moment and engaged.